Indulgence

After I got home from the gym this morning I got into the shower and the lord prompted me with a word, indulgence. I sat with the water running down my body for a while and started thinking about how my whole life has been based on self indulgence. I consider it a mission to follow the lord, the hardest part is turning away from my addictions and be obedient.  He made me think about the type of fulfillment these indulgences have given me which honestly, have been nothing. These indulgences I'm speaking about are things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. Each can be a blessing if in the right context, but the way I was using them left me hollow and empty.

Sex for example is great, but even when you act out your sexual fantasy it only leaves you wanting more. It's become so popular in fact that there is a world record for the woman who has slept with the most men in a certain time frame. So is it possible to feel euphoric from having sex with people you fantasize about, yes, but after the sex is over so is the excitement and desire. Endorphins stop being released in the brain and you are left feeling empty. We have forgotten to have sex with someone we love and now most of us have sex with people for what they look like and their sexual ambition.  There is no passion in lust. There is only desire, which soon fades. When you are on your death bed do you really think you will be thinking about the person you slept with for fun or the one you love enough to die for?

Im not the best person to be saying this because I have fulfilled way to many lustful desires. I hurt several women in the process and only thought of my own satisfaction. Many of those women were kind and had hearts of gold, but my heart was as black as coal. I blamed my pain on everyone else, but the pain I felt I induced on myself. I had no right to use women like I most often did. Because I hurt so often, I wanted others to know what it was like to hurt also, instead of trusting them with my pain in hope that they would not cast me out of their sight because my whole life I have felt abandoned by everyone I know. Instead I hurt them, they cast me away anyway, and I was left feeling worse then if I had just be honest and truthful about feeling vulnerable.

I think that is the problem, most of us are so vulnerable to being hurt that we are incapable of giving all of our love to one person. We figure the best way to not get hurt is by never putting too many eggs in one basket. I think most of us feel we are going to miss out on something great, but by passing up the opportunity to love we are missing the greatest thing the lord created. Maybe one day we will see the error of our ways and give all of our strength to the lord who can teach us to have self control and be obedient. People think obedience is a sign of weakness, but it takes more strength to be obedient than it does to run wild.

Job 36:11
"If they hear and serve Him, They shall end their days in prosperity, And their years in pleasures.