Follow for the sake of the dream!

The lord has made us all for a special reason and purpose, deep down everyday we can feel that purpose, but some have turned their hearts to it. On those beautiful days where the sunrise gushes out colors of pink, orange and blue we can see a little piece of the Lords glory. You stand there thinking, "wow." Sometimes we forget though to sit still and bask in what the Lord has made for us. We are busy throughout our day with errands on our checklist like go to the gym, do school work, go to work, watch the kids, chores, food, and sometimes showers.

Sometimes it's at this moment when you look at your life and go, "where did the time go?" Our life isn't as long as we think it is and most of the time, during the day, we are so busy trying to work to live that we forget to really enjoy every part of life. Of course we get cheap thrills like good food, movies, alcohol, drugs, and sex but we rarely even enjoy those. What happened to life? What happened to getting up in the morning and feeling the suns warmth on your face and the cool breeze on your skin. The smell of flowers and the sound of a running stream. Now we have air freshners and plug-in fountains. Our conveniences that we long for and bitch so much about are the ultimate destroyers of our happiness.

Now it's self help books, clothes, TV series, the next pop singer, country singer, rapper, home make over, body builder, athlete.........        The list goes on and on and on and on. When does this bullshit end? When is it back to reality? When is it back to real life. Spending time with your family and loving one another. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if people signed their kids over to someone for a hand full of cash. What is our world coming to?

Go to college, pay some loans, look for a great job and find out that the job market is a huge competition with numerous amounts of players willing to work 80 hours when you want to work 40 and has 4 years experience under their belt.

"How much experience do you have?"

"Well, none sir I was just in the infantry in the military and I taught people how to put together weapons, how to keep themselves alive, and how to kill people."

"Oh, well why are you even here? NEXT!"

I guess the only answer is to get dressed up in a business suit and be the first one in line, but be ready for them to say no.

Everything just seems so triveal after you experience war. Why do we work ourselves to death? Why are we constantly trying to go so fast? We try to find the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect family...and the whole time we are missing out. The convenience of texting and emailing give us a reason to not visit the ones we love.

Well if you check this post out you can check out a song I did about PTSD and let me know what you think..... it's on youtube.com called caf-ptsd

Oh yeah, here is a quote for you, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Ghandi

Blood and Ashes

Blood and Ashes

            It was around 10 am and I had just gotten off of humvee watch a few hours prior to waking up. I was tired and outside of our rooms, or “cans” as we called them (that were nothing more than aluminum boxes with window air conditioners), it was already scorching hot. The sun was beating down on us like the middle of the Mohave Desert. It was already past 120 degrees.

            It was our first day back after almost a week and a half “outside the wire” (camp walls) and we finally got a chance to shower. This was a blessing from God because of the amount of sweat that drains from your body could probably fill a swimming pool. Our pores had been open and sweating every second of that week and a half and filled with so much dirt, that it felt like you were being stabbed with syringes throughout your entire body. Not to mention, your feet felt like they were numb stumps. They looked like raw hamburger meat and your socks began forming a gelatin like substance on the surface of the bottom. Finally, we could sit back in some cool air and get liquid to drink that wasn’t at a boiling hot temperatures.

            I began walking to the shower and as I did my squad leader ran up to me and said, “get your shit on and get to the trucks.” Suddenly this rush of adrenaline, excitement, and fear rushed into my body. I ran to my gear as fast as I could through the rocks under my feet. I threw down my towel, put on my flight suit, grabbed my pack, grabbed my weapon, and headed straight for the trucks. As I got there, people were already starting the engines and suiting up to leave.

            “Something bad must have happened”, I thought. My mind began flashing to the images they show you in training. Gigantic bombs in cars, turning marines’ bodies into pink mist. I snapped back to reality and didn’t even realize, I was already in the truck, ready to go.

            When we got there I could feel my soul starting to shiver. I felt like death and ghosts were standing amongst me. Almost like a shadow over your shoulder raising the hair on your arms from the feeling of an eerie presence.

            I looked out the window of the truck and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. My senses were heightened like they never were before. I could feel my brain trying to put the pieces together, trying to figure out what happened here. My adrenaline began to pump my heart so fast that I felt like I was experiencing a heart attack. As I looked out the window of the back passenger door of the humvee, I could see small shrubs in the sand as sweat dripped down my face. I saw a friend from another platoon walking, his gear weighing his feet into the sand. He looked like a man who had given up his life in the desert. He seemed to have no energy and moved as if he were lifeless, waiting to be eaten by vultures. It looked as if one of my brothers soul had disappeared as death’s shadow followed him. He slowly hobbled back to the truck with tears and sweat rolling down his face. His rifle dragged through the sand the whole way there.

            I suddenly felt struck with fear, as if I were waiting for my final breath to come and for my soul to be sent to the other side. I sat in the truck waiting to hear what was going on. My team leader told us, “keep a look out”, and quickly slammed the door behind him. I could see him running my squad leader through the front windshield. I watched them start talking to each other and all of a sudden my door came flying open.

It was Hater, one of the guys in my platoon. “Flanders, get your camera. You got to come take pictures.” I looked for a second at Hater’s face. He looked like he was in some sort of panic or shock.

            I said, “Ok. I got it.” I hopped out of the humvee and ran up to meet my squad leader, but as I started looking around to collect more information, I began feeling like I was in another world, as if a camera had suddenly zoomed in on me and my life was a movie. I felt myself running, then jogging, and then walking. Seconds felt like days and my world began waving back and forth very slowly.

            I couldn’t feel my heart, but I could feel the terror throughout my body as I saw the ashes and gear (just like mine) laying all over the road. Some of it was covered in blood. I could hear my squad leader talking to me, telling me to take pictures, but I just stood there in shock, shaking my head, and gazing into the death all around me. I could smell it. I could taste it.

            I walked over to the humvee that had been blown up through the floor of the vehicle and ripped the entire front of the truck into pieces. Some of the heavy metal had been melted and crisp black. As I crossed the road towards it, I could see people crying and trying to gather all the gear. Asphalt was spread all over the road and big splashes of blood covered the road as well as the humvee. I turned on the camera and began taking pictures of the truck.

            I began having flash images of my friends screaming and burning alive inside the vehicle when the blast went off. The images of lost limbs and everyone consumed by fear, awaiting death while their skin was melted off of their bones.

            I snapped back to reality. I had taken pictures of the whole truck, but I don’t remember doing so.

            As I finished taking pictures, my squad leader called me over. I tried with all of my strength to jog, but only managed to get up to a fast walking speed. He said, “get on line, we have to look for pieces of the truck and body parts.” I thought to myself, “please don’t find any.” As we got in a huge line we began walking through the desert. All of our feet were dragging through the sands.

            Every step felt like it had been weighed down with lead. The gear seemed heavier and my breath was gone. We walked like zombies; dead, but still alive. Shrubs began passing in front of my vision like a slow moving film. Suddenly, I saw a black fuzzy blur in the bush. I stopped in the sand, my boots almost sliding. I moved a step back and slowly bent down, getting closer to the black blotch in the shrub. As I lifted it from the shrub, it began coming into focus. Hair and black asphalt, mixed with pieces of brain, scalp, and blood. I stood there in shock. I suddenly couldn’t feel anything. My soul was gone and a cold chill slipped into the marrow of my spine.

I stood there with images flashing of my brother of war burning alive and screaming with high screeches that would send shivers to even the coldest of hearts.

            I started coming out of what felt like a trance and could see someone talking to me with his hand on my shoulder. I tried to focus so I could see and hear him. It was black. He started coming into focus and I began hearing noise coming from his lips. “Put that shit down man. Put it down!”

           

           

We betray our own blood

     I started reading books from a theology course and while I was reading through the information a verse seemed to pop out, so I went to it and read it. I feel the lord wanted to show me that many of us if not all of us are worse then Judas (disciple who betrayed Jesus). I asked the Lord what the secret was to not sinning, he said you have to hate sin. Although he didn't say it through a voice I heard through my ear drums, he spoke to me very clearly through the spirit he has given me. See the problem with us isn't that we are unable to see god, the problem is the only way we think we can see god is through our understanding of what vision is.The lord comes in very many shapes, forms, and sizes.

Pray for humility, pray for obedience, and pray for understanding. You have already made mistakes in your life, that you can do nothing about now, but you don't have to make the same ones. You don't have to feel that you know you were made for something important and have it be for nothing. In order to become something you must first respect being nothing. Being humble. The things we do, the jobs we have, and the degree we get will only matter when we are here. None of those things are fulfilling at the end of the day though. All of them leave you wanting more. I heard someone say the other day, "it's not about the stature you have its the quality of life you live." Ive tried living the life of sex, drugs, and alcohol. None of them ever leave you fully satisfied and once it wears off its over. Back to the same drawing board with the same solutions. I can tell you one thing, they start getting old real quick and than that one mistake you make when you aren't paying attention comes down like asteroid from space to destroy your life.

Indulgence

After I got home from the gym this morning I got into the shower and the lord prompted me with a word, indulgence. I sat with the water running down my body for a while and started thinking about how my whole life has been based on self indulgence. I consider it a mission to follow the lord, the hardest part is turning away from my addictions and be obedient.  He made me think about the type of fulfillment these indulgences have given me which honestly, have been nothing. These indulgences I'm speaking about are things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. Each can be a blessing if in the right context, but the way I was using them left me hollow and empty.

Sex for example is great, but even when you act out your sexual fantasy it only leaves you wanting more. It's become so popular in fact that there is a world record for the woman who has slept with the most men in a certain time frame. So is it possible to feel euphoric from having sex with people you fantasize about, yes, but after the sex is over so is the excitement and desire. Endorphins stop being released in the brain and you are left feeling empty. We have forgotten to have sex with someone we love and now most of us have sex with people for what they look like and their sexual ambition.  There is no passion in lust. There is only desire, which soon fades. When you are on your death bed do you really think you will be thinking about the person you slept with for fun or the one you love enough to die for?

Im not the best person to be saying this because I have fulfilled way to many lustful desires. I hurt several women in the process and only thought of my own satisfaction. Many of those women were kind and had hearts of gold, but my heart was as black as coal. I blamed my pain on everyone else, but the pain I felt I induced on myself. I had no right to use women like I most often did. Because I hurt so often, I wanted others to know what it was like to hurt also, instead of trusting them with my pain in hope that they would not cast me out of their sight because my whole life I have felt abandoned by everyone I know. Instead I hurt them, they cast me away anyway, and I was left feeling worse then if I had just be honest and truthful about feeling vulnerable.

I think that is the problem, most of us are so vulnerable to being hurt that we are incapable of giving all of our love to one person. We figure the best way to not get hurt is by never putting too many eggs in one basket. I think most of us feel we are going to miss out on something great, but by passing up the opportunity to love we are missing the greatest thing the lord created. Maybe one day we will see the error of our ways and give all of our strength to the lord who can teach us to have self control and be obedient. People think obedience is a sign of weakness, but it takes more strength to be obedient than it does to run wild.

Job 36:11
"If they hear and serve Him, They shall end their days in prosperity, And their years in pleasures.

The Road

 The Road

It took me a few years to get to where I am now in  a place of understanding and peace. I can finally start to  enjoy things in my life without the fear of failing at everything I do. Most of my life I have been through difficult situations that led me to always make the wrong decisions, which led me to experience life the hard way. The biggest and most important thing the lord has shown me is that it is better for us to learn from the mistakes of others, then to learn from the mistakes we make ourselves. It is inevitable though, that we will make mistakes and fall into a place where we feel like we can no longer keep goingbecause we are exhausted and have no strength or hope left. The doctors give you medicine that doesn't work, psychiatrists are unable to give you an answer to your problems, and your own abilities have failed repeatedly. At this point I found out that I could do nothing by my own strength because we will always fall short when we attempt to be perfect. The only person who never failed to have faith or make a mistake was Jesus Christ. Today our public mocks and crucifies him by the way they live their life in organized religion. It has become filled with hypocrisy and laws that govern the way we live today. We have forgotten the essence of what true faith is, to love God and love your neighbor. If you would have asked me if I believed in Jesus Christ a long time ago I would have said, "yes" but in all reality, I never tried to have a relationship with the lord. I constantly chose to follow my selfish ambitions and the lord used them to break my life into a million pieces, so only he could put them back together.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom of my life that I began to realize why the Lord does the things he does. I used to ask the question, why me? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people hurt and suffer? How could you let all of these things happen to me?

 Well the fact is, most of us aren't innocent and whether we like to admit it or not most of us are the cause of our own problems. Those who aren't have to go through unfortunate and most time horrific events. We have all done something wrong in our life to someone in our life. Even if that someone is us. Sometimes the way we treat ourselves is what condemns us. We indulge in poisonous addictions that seem like the answer when we are vulnerable like money, alcohol, drugs, sex, and lying. I know because I have indulged in all of them and it has ruined my life.

 Now I am attempting to rebuild my life from these experiences learning to have humility and trust in the lords guidance. In a world like this, it's no wonder why we are skeptical to follow anyone but ourselves. What happened to love and trust? What happened to family? What happened to faith? Our world has traveled so far away from our souls purpose that it seems almost impossible to get back. Especially when there are so many that are convinced that the Lord doesn't exist and aren't afraid to voice it. The truth is it takes more strength and specifically, faith, to believe in something we can't see than it does to just say that we don't believe and leave it at that.

 Ive been around the world and I am only 24. Ive experienced my father go through Cancer and the lord bless him by allowing him to survive. Ive fought in a war, next to men and women who wanted nothing more than to protect the brothers and sisters that fought beside them. Even if that meant giving up their own life. For a long time now I wondered what my purpose was on this earth and it wasn't until the death of my best friend in Afghanistan that the lord would finally unveil that purpose to me.

 Since Iraq the lord has had me keep a journal of my thoughts because I could no longer keep them inside of my head. During these last few years with my journal we have gone through relationships, car accidents, jail, rehab, and the mental institute. In each of these places God showed me small signs that he was there with me.
 After my best friend Jason died I experienced a pain like I've never felt before and I began losing my sanity and my ability to cope with stress. That was probably one of the hardest moments in my life. In March I will be spreading the ashes of my best friend and this is where I believe the Lord wants me to end my journal.

So when the end of March comes I will be publishing my journal for others to read and I hope that most of you will learn something from the experiences in my life that will positively induce change in your own. The reason I called this first blog The Road is because this is the end of my old life and the road to a new life through the strength of the lord.