Recovery

Hey everyone. It has been a very long time since I have posted anything on my blog. Everyday gets busier and I have had less time to spend online writing on the blog and many times completely forgot about it, but I have good news.

When I was a child I went through some traumatic things, and recently the lord has shown me that those things that i experienced, from my dysfunctional parent, were wrong. I became an angry child. Always blaming myself for the pain that was inflicted as a child that i had no control over. The lord has brought people into my life that have shared the word of the lord and showed me that in a situation you can't control , you are not responsible for the sin of others.

No one should have to experience sexual sins as a child, but it happens to many people. Some who grow up angry and project that anger on others their whole life. Those same individuals will never know why they are angry, because they will never come to terms with what it is that is causing all the pain and anger in their life, but praise the lord I have come to see a part of my past that I can now work on letting go, and that is a blessing.

I am strong, and with the lord there is nothing that I cannot handle. Don't forget to seek the lord with all of your strength. I have been reading the bible, but have been refusing the lords advances and ability to grow by holding on to my pride of being able to fix things myself. The truth is, I can't fix things myself, and without the lord and the help of his anointed I would have never found out why I have been angry for so many years. Be yourself, love yourself, and forgive yourself. The lord forgives you, and you must forgive yourself.

For those who don't know how or what to study in the bible, concentrate on the New Testament. The New Testament is the law of Jesus Christ. Follow it. In fact start in James, and reread it until you understand it. Research interpretations, and learn as much as you can. It took me a while to understand that "faith without deeds is dead." I can believe as much as I want, try to convince myself all day that my faith is enough, but without following what the word of God has laid out for me, change is impossible and so is reaching heaven.

A few things for those of you who want to progress in your relationship with the lord:

Do good that you know you should be doing (pay people back that you owe money)
Love your neighbor as yourself
Study the law so that you may live by it
Remember faith is made complete by the things you do

Stay strong in your faith, the fight will be over when our eyes close for the last time. Until then we must persevere.

Keep the faith.

Life is based off of choices

Life is based off of choices that we make, and if our point in life is making choices based off of our experience, why do we continue to make choices that produce negative results? This is ultimate question. Let's take food for example.

For me it is easy to go into McDonalds and purchase a meal rather then cooking something healthy for myself. Sometimes cooking takes way too long when you have other things that need to get done and not enough time to do it. McDonalds doesn't have to be bad, if you make the right decision. For me, I want to pick the burger though. Even though I know I will regret it later, that it is bad for my health, and almost makes me sick to my stomach, I crave momentary happiness. The juicy, fat covered, sodium filled patty hits your lips and all of the pain you feel disappears, but only for a moment. Soon the pain is tripled and your feelings that you had to eat the burger soon turn into regret.

Today, walking into McDonalds, I had to actively tell myself, "you want a soda and some fries right now, but you know that and unsweetened tea combined with the salad is better for you." When I walked in the door my inner voice was finally defeated.

Now that may not seem very big, but small moves in the right direction will begin affecting bigger decisions later. If I can make myself change the way i eat and began controlling what goes into my body, bigger decisions will be accomplished later.

What is life really about?

I ask myself this question everyday. I think about all the things that have gotten me to this point in my life. What ar you supposed to do when everything in your life feels like its wasting away. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. My family is separated throughout the country, one of my children live with me and the other is held from me in another state.

I always thought that I had it all figured out, that had some plan that was going to save everything I lost in my youth. I guess the truth is, everything is in the lords hands. Sometimes I don't know what the hell im doing.

Am I making the right decision? How do I know it's the right decision? Am I failing at what the lord has planned for me? Am I a good father? Brother? Son?

I used to think life was about retiring and making money, but that only happens in dreams.

My whole life I watched my family and close friends suffer, and all I really wanted was to bring everybody together again. When you grow up though, you realize that life is a hell of a lot harder for adults then you think.

I don't why I am writing. I guess I just have shit load of stuff to get off my chest. I prayed today that the lord would give me a sign as to what it is he wanted me to do. I talked to a counselor the other day about PTSD and he told me some stuff that really made sense.

He said, "I can't tell you how many combat veterans from the vietnam war spent almost their whole life pist off at the world because they couldn't leave the war behind them. If you want to get better, you have to know the bad stuff is in the past, and you have start fixing the things that are wrong with you." For once a psychiatrist who got to me..... I just sat there thinking.

I'm so tired of war. War on TV, war on the radio, war with friends, war with family, war with significant others, war with myself. When does the fighting end? When does the pain end?

So many times I considered eating a bullet from my .45 pistol. The pain would be gone. Iraq would be gone. The memories of innocent people dead, would be gone. The only thing that keeps me going is falling to my knees and crying out to the lord to save me. I don't know how I make it everyday, but I do. I hope everybody out there never has to experience any sort of pain. It's a nice dream I just wish I could take everyones pain in the world and bear it on my shoulders.

Technology

Some people think that without technology life wouldn’t be as pleasurable as it because we would lack the comfort that we have become accustomed too and have built up in our mind to resemble happiness, but what does comfort and happiness really mean to you? Is comfort and happiness being able to go the grocery store to pick up your food instead of growing and tilling your own land with close relatives and friends? Does quality of life only apply to the length of life that you live as opposed to the amount of joyful memories you created? I would say that technology has become more about quantity, and the extension of time that you have on this earth does not necessarily mean it will be any more pleasurable. Just ask the people suffering from cancer that will eventually die in the hospital, or the many people hooked up to respirators.  

My personal thoughts are that technology has only extended time, but eventually we will still die and when we do, we will be further away from God and faith than any other civilizations to have lived on this planet. The few of us who do experience God are the ones who get the small moments that no technology can recreate, which are life and death.

Before technological advances in medicine many individuals died in their 40’s some in their early 50’s, but these individuals also knew what it meant to be in at the mercy of God to provide them with things like good harvest from plentiful rain. Now because of technology, we play God and create our own rain. If you don’t believe it research cloud seeding and silver iodide.

I know I didn’t create the seed that turns into a huge tree, or the egg that hatches into an animal. I also didn’t create planets, stars, or the endless galaxies in space, but maybe I am the only one who thinks that quality is measured by the extent of emotions and experiences you have been exposed to.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like the some of the comforts that we have like refrigerators and air-conditioning, but I would trade all of it to reverse the amount of destruction technology has also done to our  family connections, spirit, and to the deaths humanity has experienced from things like the atom bomb and genetically engineered sicknesses.

What do I believe technology is and represents? Technology is the separation of humans from the purpose of their existence into meaningless creature comforts that create jealousy, envy, arrogance, boastfulness and greed.

Paranoia

Earlier this past week I have thought to myself, "am I just paranoid or are there things going on behind the scenes of our government and private worlds?" I guess you could call me a conspiracy theorists, but the more knowledgeable I become about the world around me the more I realize how ignorant I have always been.

Think about this for a second, how many individuals watch TV or movies in a day? I would say that a significant amount of individuals are behind some sort of screen producing images that are created to make a blockbuster film for money. The scenes are meticulously put together in order to evoke an emotion from the audience. Whether it is two lovers meeting for the first time in a perfect setting, a couple fighting, domestic violence, teen pregnancy, intervention shows, crime shows, tournament poker, sports, news, or a bunch of college kids trying to have sex and get completely wasted they all contain some type of image that many people try to emulate subconsciously.

You may say to yourself, "yeah right....I don't do that" but in all reality, you know that you do. You are influenced by commercials on getting in shape, beauty products, axe spray, pharmacutical cures with hundreds of side effects, car commercials and so many others. It isn't in just one place either it is everywhere we go....our cars, on planes, on trains, in waiting rooms, in public bathrooms......it's everywhere.

Ask yourself this questions....Is this what life is supposed to be about? Am I supposed to be living everyday to work and buy products and merchandise that puts me in debt and takes away from time with my family?

For those who say that is what you are supposed to be doing, you are arrogant and haven't seen other areas around the world that are suffering, even within your own borders. Men and women without health care are dying everyday, children are starving inside of homes and others suffer from addiction and abuse. Where does all of this stem from? What could it be?

Could it be the endless corruption like the love of money, lustful advertisements, pornography targeting younger women, the shows about drinking and having sex, the shows about becoming a celebrity, dancing with the stars, American Idol, could it be the game shows about obese people losing weight....... We think that happiness is being sexually attractive, having nice things, lots of money, a nice house, and a perfect family with higher education and going golfing. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? We are being programmed and we can't even see it. WAKE UP! I wish I could just grab everyone and shake the crap out of them until they start opening their eyes, but they never will.

Go buy your starbucks latte, hit the gym, judge others by their appearance, and date the good looking man or woman that boosts your confidence, and live a life that is filled with meaningless bullshit. Fuck it, ill choose poverty and happiness over bullshit. It isn't hard to read people, all you have to do is look at what they are all about. Separate yourself out of the bag overflowing with bad apples, and plant a seed of goodness in the few places left in the world.

The fruit in the Garden

As I sat and watched the television play I could only imagine what was really coming from it, an aroma of lies and deceit, greed and arrogance, and distrust and jealousy. It was like I was being consumed by something that looked so delightful and tasty, but I was not truly judging it by its fruit, or what some would call its core. What do you see beyond the surface? Look at what is going on behind the scenes, not what is going on in the performance.

We breed a people that think that happiness comes from being known in the world, that money can make you important, and that being alone means you are worthless. In the bible it says that jesus left his disciples to pray. When was the last time you left everything, including all electronics, people, and thoughts to spend one moment with god? Probably a very long time, and the reason is because of our selfishness. It is our destruction, our control, and the poison that drains the love of Christ out of us. Our spiritual strength begins to weaken and diminish, withered and waiting to be thrown in the fire.  

Mirrors won’t be present in heaven where we focus on ourselves. All mirrors should be broken and thrown in the fire because this life is not about self, but about selflessness. Our mind is focused solely on ourselves every day, whether we want it to be or not.

Everything needs to be taken out of your life that is not a product of love and that includes television, mirrors, computers, internet, and possibly as far as to say even cell phones. We are losing track of what is important and that is our complete focus and concentration on the person we are standing next to. These are the most important meetings of our life, because when this life is over and our time comes to be judged we will remember that moment with the person and we said nothing of what we knew.

Look at the times magazine sometimes and notice how all the cover pages the M, is placed above leaders to show you images of the devil. He raises his hands and smiles, the smoke screen has been  tactically employed to make you think that he is the good guy, but the darkness grips his soul for that position of power, where the world knows your name.

In the bible it also says the exalted will be humbled and the humbled will be exalted. What if this life was our one chance, an ulterior dimension where our purpose here was to test our ability to endure mocking and being alone as Christ did before he was on the cross. We all must live similar lives to Christ in the sense of how he treated individuals and did not care of what men and women thought of him but shared what he knew was the truth.

People can’t handle the truth because they are so blind that no matter how hard they try to focus and grasp what you are saying, they will remain blinded by their arrogance and pass off your words of wisdom as though they were trash to be thrown in the waste bin. Knowledge is worth its weight in gold, and for good reason. If knowledge is completely grasped and an individual can choose to be humble for just a few moments and LISTEN to another person then themselves, they will experience a freedom from the chains of self doubt, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and anger like they could never imagine. Their happiness would not be for material objects, beauty, or perfection, but the simplicity of being given the opportunity to breath, to feel, and to love.

The lord is like a tow truck

THE LORD IS LIKE A TOW TRUCK

Have you ever considered that the lord is similar to a tow truck? I mean when you look at this picture you obviously see the cross on the back, but what does a tow truck really do? When you are in the worst possible neighborhood, sitting on the side of the freeway, or scorching in the middle of a hot summer day because your mode of transportation is broken, the tow truck is only a quick call away. Sometimes they will take a while to get there and help you in your dilemma, other times you have to wait. Eventually though the tow truck will get you to where you need to go. 

What about when we do things to ourselves? Like lock our keys in our car for example? AAA comes down with the slim jim to come unlock the door through the window and opens the car for us. 

The lord is similar. When we need him all we have to do is pray and ask for his help. Many times his help won't be immediately and we will have to wait, other times it will be as soon as we ask for it. No matter what the timing is though, the lord still shows up and delivers to us what we need most. Although many times it won't be what we ask for, it will be what we need. 

The lord is also similar to a tow truck when we do things because of our own stupidity. He comes and fixes our mess and allows us to eventually get to where we need to go. 

So what is the point? The point is that no matter what our situation, the lord is always waiting patiently for us to call on him. Although he would prefer for us to talk to him all of the time, he will still be waiting for us to call on him when we are in trouble and most things we can't do alone.