What is life really about?

I ask myself this question everyday. I think about all the things that have gotten me to this point in my life. What ar you supposed to do when everything in your life feels like its wasting away. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. My family is separated throughout the country, one of my children live with me and the other is held from me in another state.

I always thought that I had it all figured out, that had some plan that was going to save everything I lost in my youth. I guess the truth is, everything is in the lords hands. Sometimes I don't know what the hell im doing.

Am I making the right decision? How do I know it's the right decision? Am I failing at what the lord has planned for me? Am I a good father? Brother? Son?

I used to think life was about retiring and making money, but that only happens in dreams.

My whole life I watched my family and close friends suffer, and all I really wanted was to bring everybody together again. When you grow up though, you realize that life is a hell of a lot harder for adults then you think.

I don't why I am writing. I guess I just have shit load of stuff to get off my chest. I prayed today that the lord would give me a sign as to what it is he wanted me to do. I talked to a counselor the other day about PTSD and he told me some stuff that really made sense.

He said, "I can't tell you how many combat veterans from the vietnam war spent almost their whole life pist off at the world because they couldn't leave the war behind them. If you want to get better, you have to know the bad stuff is in the past, and you have start fixing the things that are wrong with you." For once a psychiatrist who got to me..... I just sat there thinking.

I'm so tired of war. War on TV, war on the radio, war with friends, war with family, war with significant others, war with myself. When does the fighting end? When does the pain end?

So many times I considered eating a bullet from my .45 pistol. The pain would be gone. Iraq would be gone. The memories of innocent people dead, would be gone. The only thing that keeps me going is falling to my knees and crying out to the lord to save me. I don't know how I make it everyday, but I do. I hope everybody out there never has to experience any sort of pain. It's a nice dream I just wish I could take everyones pain in the world and bear it on my shoulders.