Hey everyone. It has been a very long time since I have posted anything on my blog. Everyday gets busier and I have had less time to spend online writing on the blog and many times completely forgot about it, but I have good news.
When I was a child I went through some traumatic things, and recently the lord has shown me that those things that i experienced, from my dysfunctional parent, were wrong. I became an angry child. Always blaming myself for the pain that was inflicted as a child that i had no control over. The lord has brought people into my life that have shared the word of the lord and showed me that in a situation you can't control , you are not responsible for the sin of others.
No one should have to experience sexual sins as a child, but it happens to many people. Some who grow up angry and project that anger on others their whole life. Those same individuals will never know why they are angry, because they will never come to terms with what it is that is causing all the pain and anger in their life, but praise the lord I have come to see a part of my past that I can now work on letting go, and that is a blessing.
I am strong, and with the lord there is nothing that I cannot handle. Don't forget to seek the lord with all of your strength. I have been reading the bible, but have been refusing the lords advances and ability to grow by holding on to my pride of being able to fix things myself. The truth is, I can't fix things myself, and without the lord and the help of his anointed I would have never found out why I have been angry for so many years. Be yourself, love yourself, and forgive yourself. The lord forgives you, and you must forgive yourself.
For those who don't know how or what to study in the bible, concentrate on the New Testament. The New Testament is the law of Jesus Christ. Follow it. In fact start in James, and reread it until you understand it. Research interpretations, and learn as much as you can. It took me a while to understand that "faith without deeds is dead." I can believe as much as I want, try to convince myself all day that my faith is enough, but without following what the word of God has laid out for me, change is impossible and so is reaching heaven.
A few things for those of you who want to progress in your relationship with the lord:
Do good that you know you should be doing (pay people back that you owe money)
Love your neighbor as yourself
Study the law so that you may live by it
Remember faith is made complete by the things you do
Stay strong in your faith, the fight will be over when our eyes close for the last time. Until then we must persevere.
Keep the faith.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Life is based off of choices
Life is based off of choices that we make, and if our point in life is making choices based off of our experience, why do we continue to make choices that produce negative results? This is ultimate question. Let's take food for example.
For me it is easy to go into McDonalds and purchase a meal rather then cooking something healthy for myself. Sometimes cooking takes way too long when you have other things that need to get done and not enough time to do it. McDonalds doesn't have to be bad, if you make the right decision. For me, I want to pick the burger though. Even though I know I will regret it later, that it is bad for my health, and almost makes me sick to my stomach, I crave momentary happiness. The juicy, fat covered, sodium filled patty hits your lips and all of the pain you feel disappears, but only for a moment. Soon the pain is tripled and your feelings that you had to eat the burger soon turn into regret.
Today, walking into McDonalds, I had to actively tell myself, "you want a soda and some fries right now, but you know that and unsweetened tea combined with the salad is better for you." When I walked in the door my inner voice was finally defeated.
Now that may not seem very big, but small moves in the right direction will begin affecting bigger decisions later. If I can make myself change the way i eat and began controlling what goes into my body, bigger decisions will be accomplished later.
For me it is easy to go into McDonalds and purchase a meal rather then cooking something healthy for myself. Sometimes cooking takes way too long when you have other things that need to get done and not enough time to do it. McDonalds doesn't have to be bad, if you make the right decision. For me, I want to pick the burger though. Even though I know I will regret it later, that it is bad for my health, and almost makes me sick to my stomach, I crave momentary happiness. The juicy, fat covered, sodium filled patty hits your lips and all of the pain you feel disappears, but only for a moment. Soon the pain is tripled and your feelings that you had to eat the burger soon turn into regret.
Today, walking into McDonalds, I had to actively tell myself, "you want a soda and some fries right now, but you know that and unsweetened tea combined with the salad is better for you." When I walked in the door my inner voice was finally defeated.
Now that may not seem very big, but small moves in the right direction will begin affecting bigger decisions later. If I can make myself change the way i eat and began controlling what goes into my body, bigger decisions will be accomplished later.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
What is life really about?
I ask myself this question everyday. I think about all the things that have gotten me to this point in my life. What ar you supposed to do when everything in your life feels like its wasting away. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. My family is separated throughout the country, one of my children live with me and the other is held from me in another state.
I always thought that I had it all figured out, that had some plan that was going to save everything I lost in my youth. I guess the truth is, everything is in the lords hands. Sometimes I don't know what the hell im doing.
Am I making the right decision? How do I know it's the right decision? Am I failing at what the lord has planned for me? Am I a good father? Brother? Son?
I used to think life was about retiring and making money, but that only happens in dreams.
My whole life I watched my family and close friends suffer, and all I really wanted was to bring everybody together again. When you grow up though, you realize that life is a hell of a lot harder for adults then you think.
I don't why I am writing. I guess I just have shit load of stuff to get off my chest. I prayed today that the lord would give me a sign as to what it is he wanted me to do. I talked to a counselor the other day about PTSD and he told me some stuff that really made sense.
He said, "I can't tell you how many combat veterans from the vietnam war spent almost their whole life pist off at the world because they couldn't leave the war behind them. If you want to get better, you have to know the bad stuff is in the past, and you have start fixing the things that are wrong with you." For once a psychiatrist who got to me..... I just sat there thinking.
I'm so tired of war. War on TV, war on the radio, war with friends, war with family, war with significant others, war with myself. When does the fighting end? When does the pain end?
So many times I considered eating a bullet from my .45 pistol. The pain would be gone. Iraq would be gone. The memories of innocent people dead, would be gone. The only thing that keeps me going is falling to my knees and crying out to the lord to save me. I don't know how I make it everyday, but I do. I hope everybody out there never has to experience any sort of pain. It's a nice dream I just wish I could take everyones pain in the world and bear it on my shoulders.
I always thought that I had it all figured out, that had some plan that was going to save everything I lost in my youth. I guess the truth is, everything is in the lords hands. Sometimes I don't know what the hell im doing.
Am I making the right decision? How do I know it's the right decision? Am I failing at what the lord has planned for me? Am I a good father? Brother? Son?
I used to think life was about retiring and making money, but that only happens in dreams.
My whole life I watched my family and close friends suffer, and all I really wanted was to bring everybody together again. When you grow up though, you realize that life is a hell of a lot harder for adults then you think.
I don't why I am writing. I guess I just have shit load of stuff to get off my chest. I prayed today that the lord would give me a sign as to what it is he wanted me to do. I talked to a counselor the other day about PTSD and he told me some stuff that really made sense.
He said, "I can't tell you how many combat veterans from the vietnam war spent almost their whole life pist off at the world because they couldn't leave the war behind them. If you want to get better, you have to know the bad stuff is in the past, and you have start fixing the things that are wrong with you." For once a psychiatrist who got to me..... I just sat there thinking.
I'm so tired of war. War on TV, war on the radio, war with friends, war with family, war with significant others, war with myself. When does the fighting end? When does the pain end?
So many times I considered eating a bullet from my .45 pistol. The pain would be gone. Iraq would be gone. The memories of innocent people dead, would be gone. The only thing that keeps me going is falling to my knees and crying out to the lord to save me. I don't know how I make it everyday, but I do. I hope everybody out there never has to experience any sort of pain. It's a nice dream I just wish I could take everyones pain in the world and bear it on my shoulders.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Technology
Some people think that without technology life wouldn’t be as pleasurable as it because we would lack the comfort that we have become accustomed too and have built up in our mind to resemble happiness, but what does comfort and happiness really mean to you? Is comfort and happiness being able to go the grocery store to pick up your food instead of growing and tilling your own land with close relatives and friends? Does quality of life only apply to the length of life that you live as opposed to the amount of joyful memories you created? I would say that technology has become more about quantity, and the extension of time that you have on this earth does not necessarily mean it will be any more pleasurable. Just ask the people suffering from cancer that will eventually die in the hospital, or the many people hooked up to respirators.
My personal thoughts are that technology has only extended time, but eventually we will still die and when we do, we will be further away from God and faith than any other civilizations to have lived on this planet. The few of us who do experience God are the ones who get the small moments that no technology can recreate, which are life and death.
Before technological advances in medicine many individuals died in their 40’s some in their early 50’s, but these individuals also knew what it meant to be in at the mercy of God to provide them with things like good harvest from plentiful rain. Now because of technology, we play God and create our own rain. If you don’t believe it research cloud seeding and silver iodide.
I know I didn’t create the seed that turns into a huge tree, or the egg that hatches into an animal. I also didn’t create planets, stars, or the endless galaxies in space, but maybe I am the only one who thinks that quality is measured by the extent of emotions and experiences you have been exposed to.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like the some of the comforts that we have like refrigerators and air-conditioning, but I would trade all of it to reverse the amount of destruction technology has also done to our family connections, spirit, and to the deaths humanity has experienced from things like the atom bomb and genetically engineered sicknesses.
What do I believe technology is and represents? Technology is the separation of humans from the purpose of their existence into meaningless creature comforts that create jealousy, envy, arrogance, boastfulness and greed.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Paranoia
Earlier this past week I have thought to myself, "am I just paranoid or are there things going on behind the scenes of our government and private worlds?" I guess you could call me a conspiracy theorists, but the more knowledgeable I become about the world around me the more I realize how ignorant I have always been.
Think about this for a second, how many individuals watch TV or movies in a day? I would say that a significant amount of individuals are behind some sort of screen producing images that are created to make a blockbuster film for money. The scenes are meticulously put together in order to evoke an emotion from the audience. Whether it is two lovers meeting for the first time in a perfect setting, a couple fighting, domestic violence, teen pregnancy, intervention shows, crime shows, tournament poker, sports, news, or a bunch of college kids trying to have sex and get completely wasted they all contain some type of image that many people try to emulate subconsciously.
You may say to yourself, "yeah right....I don't do that" but in all reality, you know that you do. You are influenced by commercials on getting in shape, beauty products, axe spray, pharmacutical cures with hundreds of side effects, car commercials and so many others. It isn't in just one place either it is everywhere we go....our cars, on planes, on trains, in waiting rooms, in public bathrooms......it's everywhere.
Ask yourself this questions....Is this what life is supposed to be about? Am I supposed to be living everyday to work and buy products and merchandise that puts me in debt and takes away from time with my family?
For those who say that is what you are supposed to be doing, you are arrogant and haven't seen other areas around the world that are suffering, even within your own borders. Men and women without health care are dying everyday, children are starving inside of homes and others suffer from addiction and abuse. Where does all of this stem from? What could it be?
Could it be the endless corruption like the love of money, lustful advertisements, pornography targeting younger women, the shows about drinking and having sex, the shows about becoming a celebrity, dancing with the stars, American Idol, could it be the game shows about obese people losing weight....... We think that happiness is being sexually attractive, having nice things, lots of money, a nice house, and a perfect family with higher education and going golfing. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? We are being programmed and we can't even see it. WAKE UP! I wish I could just grab everyone and shake the crap out of them until they start opening their eyes, but they never will.
Go buy your starbucks latte, hit the gym, judge others by their appearance, and date the good looking man or woman that boosts your confidence, and live a life that is filled with meaningless bullshit. Fuck it, ill choose poverty and happiness over bullshit. It isn't hard to read people, all you have to do is look at what they are all about. Separate yourself out of the bag overflowing with bad apples, and plant a seed of goodness in the few places left in the world.
Think about this for a second, how many individuals watch TV or movies in a day? I would say that a significant amount of individuals are behind some sort of screen producing images that are created to make a blockbuster film for money. The scenes are meticulously put together in order to evoke an emotion from the audience. Whether it is two lovers meeting for the first time in a perfect setting, a couple fighting, domestic violence, teen pregnancy, intervention shows, crime shows, tournament poker, sports, news, or a bunch of college kids trying to have sex and get completely wasted they all contain some type of image that many people try to emulate subconsciously.
You may say to yourself, "yeah right....I don't do that" but in all reality, you know that you do. You are influenced by commercials on getting in shape, beauty products, axe spray, pharmacutical cures with hundreds of side effects, car commercials and so many others. It isn't in just one place either it is everywhere we go....our cars, on planes, on trains, in waiting rooms, in public bathrooms......it's everywhere.
Ask yourself this questions....Is this what life is supposed to be about? Am I supposed to be living everyday to work and buy products and merchandise that puts me in debt and takes away from time with my family?
For those who say that is what you are supposed to be doing, you are arrogant and haven't seen other areas around the world that are suffering, even within your own borders. Men and women without health care are dying everyday, children are starving inside of homes and others suffer from addiction and abuse. Where does all of this stem from? What could it be?
Could it be the endless corruption like the love of money, lustful advertisements, pornography targeting younger women, the shows about drinking and having sex, the shows about becoming a celebrity, dancing with the stars, American Idol, could it be the game shows about obese people losing weight....... We think that happiness is being sexually attractive, having nice things, lots of money, a nice house, and a perfect family with higher education and going golfing. Does anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? We are being programmed and we can't even see it. WAKE UP! I wish I could just grab everyone and shake the crap out of them until they start opening their eyes, but they never will.
Go buy your starbucks latte, hit the gym, judge others by their appearance, and date the good looking man or woman that boosts your confidence, and live a life that is filled with meaningless bullshit. Fuck it, ill choose poverty and happiness over bullshit. It isn't hard to read people, all you have to do is look at what they are all about. Separate yourself out of the bag overflowing with bad apples, and plant a seed of goodness in the few places left in the world.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The fruit in the Garden
As I sat and watched the television play I could only imagine what was really coming from it, an aroma of lies and deceit, greed and arrogance, and distrust and jealousy. It was like I was being consumed by something that looked so delightful and tasty, but I was not truly judging it by its fruit, or what some would call its core. What do you see beyond the surface? Look at what is going on behind the scenes, not what is going on in the performance.
We breed a people that think that happiness comes from being known in the world, that money can make you important, and that being alone means you are worthless. In the bible it says that jesus left his disciples to pray. When was the last time you left everything, including all electronics, people, and thoughts to spend one moment with god? Probably a very long time, and the reason is because of our selfishness. It is our destruction, our control, and the poison that drains the love of Christ out of us. Our spiritual strength begins to weaken and diminish, withered and waiting to be thrown in the fire.
Mirrors won’t be present in heaven where we focus on ourselves. All mirrors should be broken and thrown in the fire because this life is not about self, but about selflessness. Our mind is focused solely on ourselves every day, whether we want it to be or not.
Everything needs to be taken out of your life that is not a product of love and that includes television, mirrors, computers, internet, and possibly as far as to say even cell phones. We are losing track of what is important and that is our complete focus and concentration on the person we are standing next to. These are the most important meetings of our life, because when this life is over and our time comes to be judged we will remember that moment with the person and we said nothing of what we knew.
Look at the times magazine sometimes and notice how all the cover pages the M, is placed above leaders to show you images of the devil. He raises his hands and smiles, the smoke screen has been tactically employed to make you think that he is the good guy, but the darkness grips his soul for that position of power, where the world knows your name.
In the bible it also says the exalted will be humbled and the humbled will be exalted. What if this life was our one chance, an ulterior dimension where our purpose here was to test our ability to endure mocking and being alone as Christ did before he was on the cross. We all must live similar lives to Christ in the sense of how he treated individuals and did not care of what men and women thought of him but shared what he knew was the truth.
People can’t handle the truth because they are so blind that no matter how hard they try to focus and grasp what you are saying, they will remain blinded by their arrogance and pass off your words of wisdom as though they were trash to be thrown in the waste bin. Knowledge is worth its weight in gold, and for good reason. If knowledge is completely grasped and an individual can choose to be humble for just a few moments and LISTEN to another person then themselves, they will experience a freedom from the chains of self doubt, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and anger like they could never imagine. Their happiness would not be for material objects, beauty, or perfection, but the simplicity of being given the opportunity to breath, to feel, and to love.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The lord is like a tow truck
THE LORD IS LIKE A TOW TRUCK
Have you ever considered that the lord is similar to a tow truck? I mean when you look at this picture you obviously see the cross on the back, but what does a tow truck really do? When you are in the worst possible neighborhood, sitting on the side of the freeway, or scorching in the middle of a hot summer day because your mode of transportation is broken, the tow truck is only a quick call away. Sometimes they will take a while to get there and help you in your dilemma, other times you have to wait. Eventually though the tow truck will get you to where you need to go.
What about when we do things to ourselves? Like lock our keys in our car for example? AAA comes down with the slim jim to come unlock the door through the window and opens the car for us.
The lord is similar. When we need him all we have to do is pray and ask for his help. Many times his help won't be immediately and we will have to wait, other times it will be as soon as we ask for it. No matter what the timing is though, the lord still shows up and delivers to us what we need most. Although many times it won't be what we ask for, it will be what we need.
The lord is also similar to a tow truck when we do things because of our own stupidity. He comes and fixes our mess and allows us to eventually get to where we need to go.
So what is the point? The point is that no matter what our situation, the lord is always waiting patiently for us to call on him. Although he would prefer for us to talk to him all of the time, he will still be waiting for us to call on him when we are in trouble and most things we can't do alone.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
All I see is a war.
I haven't written in a while. I don't know if it is because I have been extremely busy or just because everytime I get behind this keyboard my mind goes blank. Sometimes I have something that I really want to say, but then I forget it or it just doesn't seem important anymore when no one hears and you are the only person to know.
If you knew me when I was in the Marine Corps after my deployment you would know that I couldn't wait to get out, but for some reason I have this longing to be back in a war zone. Over in the war you have a completely different view of life. While I was in Iraq the handful of important things were your brothers in arms, killing the enemy, and hoping you make it back alive, but when you get home you start to wonder if this life is something to celebrate.
I have seen many things in my time as a child and as a Marine, but as a student in college I can't help but wonder why we are so happy with meaningless lives. I walk through grocery stores and see endless boxes of food items to choose from, all with different names and different colors, but even with so many things available I still feel like I am missing something.
The more I talk to people in this country the more I realize why other countries don't like americans and the more I don't ever want to leave my house. We spend more time trying to be the next american idol, jersey shore fist pumper, singer, dancer, racer, and athlete then we do making a difference in this world. It is sad to look around and see such a wealthy nation of citizens allowing individuals to starve and die on our streets. Capitalism breeds greedy individuals who push to keep the seperation of class citizens so that the upper half can live like a kings, even though the high class individuals make up 1 percent of the population. The middle class make up 19 percent of the population, and poverty consists of 80 percent.
Is this the point to our life? Is it so important to indulge in hollow substances? Our life can't possibly be about working everyday in a government that allows pornography to corrupt individuals and families, that takes away employer health care, that brainwashes children to grow up wanting to be some pop star, and attacks a country and discriminates their beliefs over oil pipelines.
All the while we are all blind to the truth.....it sickens me how many people are so ignorant. Americans live their lives going to the gym to look like supermodels in advertisements, eat food that gives them serious health problems, and we work everyday stressing the whole time about money while our economy slips through the cracks. Does anyone open a book anymore or do we just not have time because we fill our lives with empty happiness like disneyland, movies, fights, races, sporting events, parties, raves, drinking, and several other things?
I tried calling into a news stations the other day to see if they were going to play the story about how a SWAT team in Tucson Arizona killed a combat veteran in front of his 4 year old son. Come to find out they wouldn't even consider playing the story here in Kansas City because it happened in Arizona. I tried radio shows and newspapers, but no one delivers the real news. All the news we are given is carefully reviewed and placed on television for ignorant individuals to be brainwashed into believing whatever they want. For those of you who think the televison is just an entertaining box, here is an example to help you understand the concept of an individuals envirnonment affects them. Imagine yourself sitting in a sauna and the person on the outside cranks it all the way up. Suddenly you start sweating, breathing heavy, and your body become dehydrated and exhausted. This example just goes to show that your environment can and will affect your body as well as your mind.
If you knew me when I was in the Marine Corps after my deployment you would know that I couldn't wait to get out, but for some reason I have this longing to be back in a war zone. Over in the war you have a completely different view of life. While I was in Iraq the handful of important things were your brothers in arms, killing the enemy, and hoping you make it back alive, but when you get home you start to wonder if this life is something to celebrate.
I have seen many things in my time as a child and as a Marine, but as a student in college I can't help but wonder why we are so happy with meaningless lives. I walk through grocery stores and see endless boxes of food items to choose from, all with different names and different colors, but even with so many things available I still feel like I am missing something.
The more I talk to people in this country the more I realize why other countries don't like americans and the more I don't ever want to leave my house. We spend more time trying to be the next american idol, jersey shore fist pumper, singer, dancer, racer, and athlete then we do making a difference in this world. It is sad to look around and see such a wealthy nation of citizens allowing individuals to starve and die on our streets. Capitalism breeds greedy individuals who push to keep the seperation of class citizens so that the upper half can live like a kings, even though the high class individuals make up 1 percent of the population. The middle class make up 19 percent of the population, and poverty consists of 80 percent.
Is this the point to our life? Is it so important to indulge in hollow substances? Our life can't possibly be about working everyday in a government that allows pornography to corrupt individuals and families, that takes away employer health care, that brainwashes children to grow up wanting to be some pop star, and attacks a country and discriminates their beliefs over oil pipelines.
All the while we are all blind to the truth.....it sickens me how many people are so ignorant. Americans live their lives going to the gym to look like supermodels in advertisements, eat food that gives them serious health problems, and we work everyday stressing the whole time about money while our economy slips through the cracks. Does anyone open a book anymore or do we just not have time because we fill our lives with empty happiness like disneyland, movies, fights, races, sporting events, parties, raves, drinking, and several other things?
I tried calling into a news stations the other day to see if they were going to play the story about how a SWAT team in Tucson Arizona killed a combat veteran in front of his 4 year old son. Come to find out they wouldn't even consider playing the story here in Kansas City because it happened in Arizona. I tried radio shows and newspapers, but no one delivers the real news. All the news we are given is carefully reviewed and placed on television for ignorant individuals to be brainwashed into believing whatever they want. For those of you who think the televison is just an entertaining box, here is an example to help you understand the concept of an individuals envirnonment affects them. Imagine yourself sitting in a sauna and the person on the outside cranks it all the way up. Suddenly you start sweating, breathing heavy, and your body become dehydrated and exhausted. This example just goes to show that your environment can and will affect your body as well as your mind.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Follow for the sake of the dream!
The lord has made us all for a special reason and purpose, deep down everyday we can feel that purpose, but some have turned their hearts to it. On those beautiful days where the sunrise gushes out colors of pink, orange and blue we can see a little piece of the Lords glory. You stand there thinking, "wow." Sometimes we forget though to sit still and bask in what the Lord has made for us. We are busy throughout our day with errands on our checklist like go to the gym, do school work, go to work, watch the kids, chores, food, and sometimes showers.
Sometimes it's at this moment when you look at your life and go, "where did the time go?" Our life isn't as long as we think it is and most of the time, during the day, we are so busy trying to work to live that we forget to really enjoy every part of life. Of course we get cheap thrills like good food, movies, alcohol, drugs, and sex but we rarely even enjoy those. What happened to life? What happened to getting up in the morning and feeling the suns warmth on your face and the cool breeze on your skin. The smell of flowers and the sound of a running stream. Now we have air freshners and plug-in fountains. Our conveniences that we long for and bitch so much about are the ultimate destroyers of our happiness.
Now it's self help books, clothes, TV series, the next pop singer, country singer, rapper, home make over, body builder, athlete......... The list goes on and on and on and on. When does this bullshit end? When is it back to reality? When is it back to real life. Spending time with your family and loving one another. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if people signed their kids over to someone for a hand full of cash. What is our world coming to?
Go to college, pay some loans, look for a great job and find out that the job market is a huge competition with numerous amounts of players willing to work 80 hours when you want to work 40 and has 4 years experience under their belt.
"How much experience do you have?"
"Well, none sir I was just in the infantry in the military and I taught people how to put together weapons, how to keep themselves alive, and how to kill people."
"Oh, well why are you even here? NEXT!"
I guess the only answer is to get dressed up in a business suit and be the first one in line, but be ready for them to say no.
Everything just seems so triveal after you experience war. Why do we work ourselves to death? Why are we constantly trying to go so fast? We try to find the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect family...and the whole time we are missing out. The convenience of texting and emailing give us a reason to not visit the ones we love.
Well if you check this post out you can check out a song I did about PTSD and let me know what you think..... it's on youtube.com called caf-ptsd
Oh yeah, here is a quote for you, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Ghandi
Sometimes it's at this moment when you look at your life and go, "where did the time go?" Our life isn't as long as we think it is and most of the time, during the day, we are so busy trying to work to live that we forget to really enjoy every part of life. Of course we get cheap thrills like good food, movies, alcohol, drugs, and sex but we rarely even enjoy those. What happened to life? What happened to getting up in the morning and feeling the suns warmth on your face and the cool breeze on your skin. The smell of flowers and the sound of a running stream. Now we have air freshners and plug-in fountains. Our conveniences that we long for and bitch so much about are the ultimate destroyers of our happiness.
Now it's self help books, clothes, TV series, the next pop singer, country singer, rapper, home make over, body builder, athlete......... The list goes on and on and on and on. When does this bullshit end? When is it back to reality? When is it back to real life. Spending time with your family and loving one another. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if people signed their kids over to someone for a hand full of cash. What is our world coming to?
Go to college, pay some loans, look for a great job and find out that the job market is a huge competition with numerous amounts of players willing to work 80 hours when you want to work 40 and has 4 years experience under their belt.
"How much experience do you have?"
"Well, none sir I was just in the infantry in the military and I taught people how to put together weapons, how to keep themselves alive, and how to kill people."
"Oh, well why are you even here? NEXT!"
I guess the only answer is to get dressed up in a business suit and be the first one in line, but be ready for them to say no.
Everything just seems so triveal after you experience war. Why do we work ourselves to death? Why are we constantly trying to go so fast? We try to find the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect family...and the whole time we are missing out. The convenience of texting and emailing give us a reason to not visit the ones we love.
Well if you check this post out you can check out a song I did about PTSD and let me know what you think..... it's on youtube.com called caf-ptsd
Oh yeah, here is a quote for you, "You must be the change that you wish to see in the world." Ghandi
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Blood and Ashes
Blood and Ashes
It was around 10 am and I had just gotten off of humvee watch a few hours prior to waking up. I was tired and outside of our rooms, or “cans” as we called them (that were nothing more than aluminum boxes with window air conditioners), it was already scorching hot. The sun was beating down on us like the middle of the Mohave Desert. It was already past 120 degrees.
It was our first day back after almost a week and a half “outside the wire” (camp walls) and we finally got a chance to shower. This was a blessing from God because of the amount of sweat that drains from your body could probably fill a swimming pool. Our pores had been open and sweating every second of that week and a half and filled with so much dirt, that it felt like you were being stabbed with syringes throughout your entire body. Not to mention, your feet felt like they were numb stumps. They looked like raw hamburger meat and your socks began forming a gelatin like substance on the surface of the bottom. Finally, we could sit back in some cool air and get liquid to drink that wasn’t at a boiling hot temperatures.
I began walking to the shower and as I did my squad leader ran up to me and said, “get your shit on and get to the trucks.” Suddenly this rush of adrenaline, excitement, and fear rushed into my body. I ran to my gear as fast as I could through the rocks under my feet. I threw down my towel, put on my flight suit, grabbed my pack, grabbed my weapon, and headed straight for the trucks. As I got there, people were already starting the engines and suiting up to leave.
“Something bad must have happened”, I thought. My mind began flashing to the images they show you in training. Gigantic bombs in cars, turning marines’ bodies into pink mist. I snapped back to reality and didn’t even realize, I was already in the truck, ready to go.
When we got there I could feel my soul starting to shiver. I felt like death and ghosts were standing amongst me. Almost like a shadow over your shoulder raising the hair on your arms from the feeling of an eerie presence.
I looked out the window of the truck and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. My senses were heightened like they never were before. I could feel my brain trying to put the pieces together, trying to figure out what happened here. My adrenaline began to pump my heart so fast that I felt like I was experiencing a heart attack. As I looked out the window of the back passenger door of the humvee, I could see small shrubs in the sand as sweat dripped down my face. I saw a friend from another platoon walking, his gear weighing his feet into the sand. He looked like a man who had given up his life in the desert. He seemed to have no energy and moved as if he were lifeless, waiting to be eaten by vultures. It looked as if one of my brothers soul had disappeared as death’s shadow followed him. He slowly hobbled back to the truck with tears and sweat rolling down his face. His rifle dragged through the sand the whole way there.
I suddenly felt struck with fear, as if I were waiting for my final breath to come and for my soul to be sent to the other side. I sat in the truck waiting to hear what was going on. My team leader told us, “keep a look out”, and quickly slammed the door behind him. I could see him running my squad leader through the front windshield. I watched them start talking to each other and all of a sudden my door came flying open.
It was Hater, one of the guys in my platoon. “Flanders, get your camera. You got to come take pictures.” I looked for a second at Hater’s face. He looked like he was in some sort of panic or shock.
I said, “Ok. I got it.” I hopped out of the humvee and ran up to meet my squad leader, but as I started looking around to collect more information, I began feeling like I was in another world, as if a camera had suddenly zoomed in on me and my life was a movie. I felt myself running, then jogging, and then walking. Seconds felt like days and my world began waving back and forth very slowly.
I couldn’t feel my heart, but I could feel the terror throughout my body as I saw the ashes and gear (just like mine) laying all over the road. Some of it was covered in blood. I could hear my squad leader talking to me, telling me to take pictures, but I just stood there in shock, shaking my head, and gazing into the death all around me. I could smell it. I could taste it.
I walked over to the humvee that had been blown up through the floor of the vehicle and ripped the entire front of the truck into pieces. Some of the heavy metal had been melted and crisp black. As I crossed the road towards it, I could see people crying and trying to gather all the gear. Asphalt was spread all over the road and big splashes of blood covered the road as well as the humvee. I turned on the camera and began taking pictures of the truck.
I began having flash images of my friends screaming and burning alive inside the vehicle when the blast went off. The images of lost limbs and everyone consumed by fear, awaiting death while their skin was melted off of their bones.
I snapped back to reality. I had taken pictures of the whole truck, but I don’t remember doing so.
As I finished taking pictures, my squad leader called me over. I tried with all of my strength to jog, but only managed to get up to a fast walking speed. He said, “get on line, we have to look for pieces of the truck and body parts.” I thought to myself, “please don’t find any.” As we got in a huge line we began walking through the desert. All of our feet were dragging through the sands.
Every step felt like it had been weighed down with lead. The gear seemed heavier and my breath was gone. We walked like zombies; dead, but still alive. Shrubs began passing in front of my vision like a slow moving film. Suddenly, I saw a black fuzzy blur in the bush. I stopped in the sand, my boots almost sliding. I moved a step back and slowly bent down, getting closer to the black blotch in the shrub. As I lifted it from the shrub, it began coming into focus. Hair and black asphalt, mixed with pieces of brain, scalp, and blood. I stood there in shock. I suddenly couldn’t feel anything. My soul was gone and a cold chill slipped into the marrow of my spine.
I stood there with images flashing of my brother of war burning alive and screaming with high screeches that would send shivers to even the coldest of hearts.
I started coming out of what felt like a trance and could see someone talking to me with his hand on my shoulder. I tried to focus so I could see and hear him. It was black. He started coming into focus and I began hearing noise coming from his lips. “Put that shit down man. Put it down!”
Saturday, February 5, 2011
We betray our own blood
I started reading books from a theology course and while I was reading through the information a verse seemed to pop out, so I went to it and read it. I feel the lord wanted to show me that many of us if not all of us are worse then Judas (disciple who betrayed Jesus). I asked the Lord what the secret was to not sinning, he said you have to hate sin. Although he didn't say it through a voice I heard through my ear drums, he spoke to me very clearly through the spirit he has given me. See the problem with us isn't that we are unable to see god, the problem is the only way we think we can see god is through our understanding of what vision is.The lord comes in very many shapes, forms, and sizes.
Pray for humility, pray for obedience, and pray for understanding. You have already made mistakes in your life, that you can do nothing about now, but you don't have to make the same ones. You don't have to feel that you know you were made for something important and have it be for nothing. In order to become something you must first respect being nothing. Being humble. The things we do, the jobs we have, and the degree we get will only matter when we are here. None of those things are fulfilling at the end of the day though. All of them leave you wanting more. I heard someone say the other day, "it's not about the stature you have its the quality of life you live." Ive tried living the life of sex, drugs, and alcohol. None of them ever leave you fully satisfied and once it wears off its over. Back to the same drawing board with the same solutions. I can tell you one thing, they start getting old real quick and than that one mistake you make when you aren't paying attention comes down like asteroid from space to destroy your life.
Pray for humility, pray for obedience, and pray for understanding. You have already made mistakes in your life, that you can do nothing about now, but you don't have to make the same ones. You don't have to feel that you know you were made for something important and have it be for nothing. In order to become something you must first respect being nothing. Being humble. The things we do, the jobs we have, and the degree we get will only matter when we are here. None of those things are fulfilling at the end of the day though. All of them leave you wanting more. I heard someone say the other day, "it's not about the stature you have its the quality of life you live." Ive tried living the life of sex, drugs, and alcohol. None of them ever leave you fully satisfied and once it wears off its over. Back to the same drawing board with the same solutions. I can tell you one thing, they start getting old real quick and than that one mistake you make when you aren't paying attention comes down like asteroid from space to destroy your life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Indulgence
After I got home from the gym this morning I got into the shower and the lord prompted me with a word, indulgence. I sat with the water running down my body for a while and started thinking about how my whole life has been based on self indulgence. I consider it a mission to follow the lord, the hardest part is turning away from my addictions and be obedient. He made me think about the type of fulfillment these indulgences have given me which honestly, have been nothing. These indulgences I'm speaking about are things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. Each can be a blessing if in the right context, but the way I was using them left me hollow and empty.
Sex for example is great, but even when you act out your sexual fantasy it only leaves you wanting more. It's become so popular in fact that there is a world record for the woman who has slept with the most men in a certain time frame. So is it possible to feel euphoric from having sex with people you fantasize about, yes, but after the sex is over so is the excitement and desire. Endorphins stop being released in the brain and you are left feeling empty. We have forgotten to have sex with someone we love and now most of us have sex with people for what they look like and their sexual ambition. There is no passion in lust. There is only desire, which soon fades. When you are on your death bed do you really think you will be thinking about the person you slept with for fun or the one you love enough to die for?
Im not the best person to be saying this because I have fulfilled way to many lustful desires. I hurt several women in the process and only thought of my own satisfaction. Many of those women were kind and had hearts of gold, but my heart was as black as coal. I blamed my pain on everyone else, but the pain I felt I induced on myself. I had no right to use women like I most often did. Because I hurt so often, I wanted others to know what it was like to hurt also, instead of trusting them with my pain in hope that they would not cast me out of their sight because my whole life I have felt abandoned by everyone I know. Instead I hurt them, they cast me away anyway, and I was left feeling worse then if I had just be honest and truthful about feeling vulnerable.
I think that is the problem, most of us are so vulnerable to being hurt that we are incapable of giving all of our love to one person. We figure the best way to not get hurt is by never putting too many eggs in one basket. I think most of us feel we are going to miss out on something great, but by passing up the opportunity to love we are missing the greatest thing the lord created. Maybe one day we will see the error of our ways and give all of our strength to the lord who can teach us to have self control and be obedient. People think obedience is a sign of weakness, but it takes more strength to be obedient than it does to run wild.
Job 36:11
"If they hear and serve Him, They shall end their days in prosperity, And their years in pleasures.
Sex for example is great, but even when you act out your sexual fantasy it only leaves you wanting more. It's become so popular in fact that there is a world record for the woman who has slept with the most men in a certain time frame. So is it possible to feel euphoric from having sex with people you fantasize about, yes, but after the sex is over so is the excitement and desire. Endorphins stop being released in the brain and you are left feeling empty. We have forgotten to have sex with someone we love and now most of us have sex with people for what they look like and their sexual ambition. There is no passion in lust. There is only desire, which soon fades. When you are on your death bed do you really think you will be thinking about the person you slept with for fun or the one you love enough to die for?
Im not the best person to be saying this because I have fulfilled way to many lustful desires. I hurt several women in the process and only thought of my own satisfaction. Many of those women were kind and had hearts of gold, but my heart was as black as coal. I blamed my pain on everyone else, but the pain I felt I induced on myself. I had no right to use women like I most often did. Because I hurt so often, I wanted others to know what it was like to hurt also, instead of trusting them with my pain in hope that they would not cast me out of their sight because my whole life I have felt abandoned by everyone I know. Instead I hurt them, they cast me away anyway, and I was left feeling worse then if I had just be honest and truthful about feeling vulnerable.
I think that is the problem, most of us are so vulnerable to being hurt that we are incapable of giving all of our love to one person. We figure the best way to not get hurt is by never putting too many eggs in one basket. I think most of us feel we are going to miss out on something great, but by passing up the opportunity to love we are missing the greatest thing the lord created. Maybe one day we will see the error of our ways and give all of our strength to the lord who can teach us to have self control and be obedient. People think obedience is a sign of weakness, but it takes more strength to be obedient than it does to run wild.
Job 36:11
"If they hear and serve Him, They shall end their days in prosperity, And their years in pleasures.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Road
It took me a few years to get to where I am now in a place of understanding and peace. I can finally start to enjoy things in my life without the fear of failing at everything I do. Most of my life I have been through difficult situations that led me to always make the wrong decisions, which led me to experience life the hard way. The biggest and most important thing the lord has shown me is that it is better for us to learn from the mistakes of others, then to learn from the mistakes we make ourselves. It is inevitable though, that we will make mistakes and fall into a place where we feel like we can no longer keep goingbecause we are exhausted and have no strength or hope left. The doctors give you medicine that doesn't work, psychiatrists are unable to give you an answer to your problems, and your own abilities have failed repeatedly. At this point I found out that I could do nothing by my own strength because we will always fall short when we attempt to be perfect. The only person who never failed to have faith or make a mistake was Jesus Christ. Today our public mocks and crucifies him by the way they live their life in organized religion. It has become filled with hypocrisy and laws that govern the way we live today. We have forgotten the essence of what true faith is, to love God and love your neighbor. If you would have asked me if I believed in Jesus Christ a long time ago I would have said, "yes" but in all reality, I never tried to have a relationship with the lord. I constantly chose to follow my selfish ambitions and the lord used them to break my life into a million pieces, so only he could put them back together.
It wasn't until I hit rock bottom of my life that I began to realize why the Lord does the things he does. I used to ask the question, why me? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people hurt and suffer? How could you let all of these things happen to me?
Now I am attempting to rebuild my life from these experiences learning to have humility and trust in the lords guidance. In a world like this, it's no wonder why we are skeptical to follow anyone but ourselves. What happened to love and trust? What happened to family? What happened to faith? Our world has traveled so far away from our souls purpose that it seems almost impossible to get back. Especially when there are so many that are convinced that the Lord doesn't exist and aren't afraid to voice it. The truth is it takes more strength and specifically, faith, to believe in something we can't see than it does to just say that we don't believe and leave it at that.
Ive been around the world and I am only 24. Ive experienced my father go through Cancer and the lord bless him by allowing him to survive. Ive fought in a war, next to men and women who wanted nothing more than to protect the brothers and sisters that fought beside them. Even if that meant giving up their own life. For a long time now I wondered what my purpose was on this earth and it wasn't until the death of my best friend in Afghanistan that the lord would finally unveil that purpose to me.
Since Iraq the lord has had me keep a journal of my thoughts because I could no longer keep them inside of my head. During these last few years with my journal we have gone through relationships, car accidents, jail, rehab, and the mental institute. In each of these places God showed me small signs that he was there with me.
After my best friend Jason died I experienced a pain like I've never felt before and I began losing my sanity and my ability to cope with stress. That was probably one of the hardest moments in my life. In March I will be spreading the ashes of my best friend and this is where I believe the Lord wants me to end my journal.
So when the end of March comes I will be publishing my journal for others to read and I hope that most of you will learn something from the experiences in my life that will positively induce change in your own. The reason I called this first blog The Road is because this is the end of my old life and the road to a new life through the strength of the lord.
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